How To Detect When Someone Isn’t Right For You

couple on a boat-tanja-heffner

The struggle out there in the dating world is real. The older I get the more I have come to notice that time is energy, not to mention valuable, and to waste it with someone who isn’t fully invested or otherwise is by far a huge disservice to myself and contradicts my #yolo motto.

I choose wisely who I let in and who I let out. I’ve learned so much about me that I can contrast that into who I want to share my life with. I’ve worked on me to the point of knowing exactly what is good for my spirit and what simply isn’t rather than blame the other. However, by the time you read this, I might have made so many revisions because I am still learning about me and about what it takes to be in a healthy, loving and balanced relationship.

Courtship is complicated. The thing is, love or even strong emotion seems to have this twisted ability to convolute our good sense. Should you stay or run like hell? We get sucked into this perennial battle of logic and emotion. What IS good for us versus what FEELS good with us? We get so caught up in the emotional aspect of it all that we end up losing ourselves. We abandon all reason and become a person we don’t even recognize.

Our beliefs become fatally compromised and what use to make us happy no longer thrills us, for we are refashioned into a product we created. The unfulfilling and unsatisfying relationship. A double-edged sword that causes us to be happy at times and empty in others.

 

Do You Want To Be Right Or Do You Want To Be Happy?

I hear you saying both. But if you’re going to be with someone, shouldn’t you be happy? I mean truly, blissfully elated. Not the in-denial kind, but the kind that makes you feel alive. Sure everyone has their ups and downs, but it’s all about how we deal with those lows when they happen. So we stay. We try and mend, and fix and mend some more, until you’re the only one trying and utterly exhausted with nothing left to give.

When we stay with someone who isn’t exactly suited for us, it can leave us feeling a whole host of negative feelings towards dating. So I understand sticking it out and “trying to make it work” just seems like a much easier route.

But when it doesn’t, then what? We’re vulnerable, jaded or worse cause irreparable damage feeling hopeless for any future relationship. It can also skew our view, or have us generalize on the opposite sex and relationships altogether, packaging our experiences as a normal occurrence, when it’s just simply not the case.

The most interesting part is that when we are INvolved, when we are the victims of the cruelty of love, (yes this is how it feels at the time) we never seem to be the ones who can reason or see what is really going on. However, everyone around us is telling us that the “chemistry” we have with our other half has transformed into something toxic, self-sabotaging or just plain unhealthy.

Whether you’re single and tirelessly dating or you’ve been in a long-term relationship, it can be hard to detect if the person next to us, is the “right person.” I know it’s been the case with me many times.

This post is not only my own reminder to what it means to find someone who is right but for everyone out there struggling to figure it out. I want to prevent you from wasting all that time. Cause let me tell you–when you are done with that relationship you tried so hard with, it will leave you feeling just that. Wasted time. Don’t get me wrong, I will never discredit or dismiss the importance of dealing with hardship and the struggles of being with someone, for that contrast is what makes you see what is right for you.

The dilemma seems to be that we are creatures of habit, and sometimes unsuspecting patterns develop and are left undetected or have no idea how to change when we do recognize them.

Ultimately, knowing what isn’t right for you is in and of itself the biggest lesson and will teach us about ourselves and make us warriors. Don’t lose sight of what you want and stay true to it.

 

Define What Is Mine

Before we get into why it’s so important to distinguish how someone is not for us, let’s define what the “right person” really means. This could be different for you but this is how I’ve summed it up.

To say someone is “right” means they fit. They feel good and we don’t resist, question or doubt.

It’s not a struggle to be you. It means that you are accepted entirely and it feels right on all levels of your being. 

You radiate when in their presence. Always. They bring out the best in you which in turn just makes you want to be badass in all areas of your life. 

In order to identify whether someone is or isn’t right for us, we have to be true to ourselves.

We first have to know who we are and what we want. If you’re not there yet than trial and error through dating and being in relationships can certainly help. Or..

Here’s a great tip. I will admit I use to think this was pointless. It was when I felt there was no other option but to define or articulate what I wanted and needed from a partner. So. I wrote it ALL down. To be clear, this is in no way a checklist. As a result, a few things happened.

One, it forced me to figure it out. Two, it helped me to see my worth. Three. It made me feel good to know what I wanted is truly what I deserve and that I shouldn’t settle for less. Four, it reconfirmed what I kept thinking, making misplaced and confused thoughts crystal clear. Five, it gave me hope and anticipation for the future and far greater than what I’d been accepting. Six, it was a mini-breakthrough from a stubborn and or destructive pattern. But hey, that’s my experience.

 

How Do You Know

Your 20's are for lusting, your 30's are for loving.        

 

I believe that when we are young, we go after and thrive on what’s exciting, new and sexy. Our free-spirited nature tells us to live in the moment. Every touch is exhilarating. But as we get older and wiser, we know what we want. We become more serious and those needs and wants turn specific. Being armed with the experience we are slightly better equipped to choose a partner that suits us.

Ditch the must-haves checklist and spare yourself from unrealistic and impossible to meet expectations. However, there are fundamentals you should never compromise. Things you need from someone now and forever should never be abandoned. Values such as respect, loyalty, views on religion, finances, children, etc.

For starters, you know that on the surface or on paper, they’re amazing. As if you couldn’t ask for better. But somehow every now and then you find yourself contemplating the depth of your feelings for them.

Here are some things you can ask yourself to really determine whether the relationship you keep pursuing is worth it for the long haul or if you should call it quits. So don’t neglect, deny or justify. Just answer honestly.

 

Do you feel anything when you kiss? Is there that spark?

Do you think about other people romantically when you’re with them?

Are they available? Physically and emotionally?

Do they have eyes for only you?

Do your beliefs, values and morals match up? (Usually a strong foundational starting point).

How do they make you feel, most of the time?

How do you feel when your not with them?

Are your sun signs compatible? (I know many will disagree, but just for fun, try it out!).

Do you feel restricted with this person or do you feel free?

What are your deal breakers? Even if you accept them now it might cause a problem down the road.

Hugely significant two-part question. Do they respect me? And do they trust me?

What’s more important? Intellect or intimacy? Or both?

Do their actions match their words?

 

Take Time For Reflection

Somehow, some way you’ve changed. You’re not the same. You’ve lost the zest and zeal for things you love and you’re not as cheery as usual. A partner should enhance your life, compliment your wild ways and leave you with a feeling of wanting to be better.

It’s all ‘bout balance. You can’t give all of you, be left with nothing and vice versa. The easiest way to detect a healthy balance they say is to lose it first.

And Instincts. Most people get hints in the beginning that stir up some sort of uneasy feeling inside, yet it’s ignored. These could be comments, actions or any kind of behavior that makes you question or doubt who they are or what they want. We ignore it because well for one we feel it isn’t fair to jump to conclusions or judge right off the bat, so we wait and give chances. But these signs are ones we should never disregard because they ultimately never go away. These are signs of more to come. Signs of someone’s characteristics and personality.

It should work from the start. Friction from the get-go could be an indicator of incompatibility. If two people are right for each other, they won’t be at odds with each other and this happens at the start. Not a progression.

Relationships should never be a struggle. It takes effort because it is never flawless, but when you find yourself drained emotionally and mentally from trying so hard and so long, then it may be better for your long-term sanity to just let go.

 

Conclusion

Love and relationships are no easy endeavour. There is no science to love, no rule book to follow. We tirelessly try to navigate the best course of action for us.

But if you‘ve lost yourself and feel like you’re fading away or have let go of what you love doing, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate whether your relationship is worth salvaging?

 

Relationships should be fun, light, enhance and bring out the best parts of you without exception        

 

In the end, don’t let anyone dim your light or take away from your greatness. Relationships should be fun, light, enhance and bring out the best parts of you without exception. Ultimately, at the end of the day — you just know.

 

 

In five words or less, how you would describe the “right” one. How would you describe love and what it’s like to be in a relationship that works?

 

 

Love,

 

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